Zon'D Out

Little Miss Willow Smith

2010-06-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

She's 10 years old and is already becoming... I guess a Fashonista! I see Grace Jones/Rihanna in this.

Do i need a partner to make me happy

2010-05-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

I find myself hiding in darkness under the comfort of my blanket, curtains down, lights off. Just me and the tranquility I have created. But still my head keeps pounding, my mind keeps speaking, my soul is still troubled.

Sometimes, I enjoy loneliness, I call it ME time. But who am I kidding? The yearnings of my heart are driving me crazy. The image my mirror shoots back at me is saddening. Is this some sort of self esteem situation. Since when has being alone been a problem ?

I have always loved to spend time with myself, coloring and dancing in front of the mirror. Over the years, I have loved it enough to make it a ritual. But now I am needing more. Seeking more.

Maybe its the age thing. As you get older your needs change right? Wrong!... Well sort of. Or maybe because there is a new bride every other day.

But I was fine just a week ago.

I never look past my tomorrows when it comes to a boyfriend. If years come and we are still great, then lovely. But I have never seen the picture of my soul mate in my future. Mommy says, when you meet "the one" you will know he is the one. Well He is always 'the one' in the beginning, during the 4hr phone conversations, texts and BBMs, laughing at each others stupid jokes, basically showing only the side of you that you want to be seen. Then 1 year passes by and ' the one' becomes 'hmm..'.

However, is it so wrong to just want my bf? This world is so lonely. How do people do it?

Question.. Are you single by choice?

O.G.E

2010-03-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

My 28year old cousin, thinks she is actually about 10-12yrs old. She keeps stuffed animals and teddy bears and even travels and sleeps with them. She has so many and treats them like humans. One of her stuffed animals fell into our mischievous hands one day and if she wanted it back, we needed some ransom.

The culprit and The accomplice. Ransom: $600. (negotiable)

2010-03-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

I am sorry!!
I've said it time and time again. I never imagined the pain i would bring you if I left you. The future we planned together escaped through our hands held together. We prayed to make it last but did not try hard to make it strong. Our bond broken, our hearts crying, our minds completely disengaged from within. I am sorry I took away your love. Took away every passion we shared, every dream we hoped.
The tears are coming down, no doubt. The confusion set in years before the damage was done. The fear is indescribable - Who would love me like you did? How long will it take me to find another real love? What the F**ck did I do?
I am sorry, I will always be. But now I must sleep on the bed that I made. I must learn to deal with the circumstances I have created. We must move on not looking back, no regrets just lessons learned. I will not blame you or point fingers either way. I only promise that I will always keep you in my heart. xoxo

My nigerian hair-do.

2010-02-22T18:58:00.000-08:00

Whenever I go to Nigeria, I always come back with a sick hair do. I luvvit!! And I went to Togo, a little french speaking country in Africa, they sold these colorful beads in the market. They go with any and everything. I love them absolutely.

The year to make it or break it.

2010-02-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

For about 2 weeks, I have been feeling invincible

Like I have been high and can't process what naturally goes on in the world

Last I was reconnected with earth, Haiti had an earthquake and a terrorist was caught.

But since then, I have been drowned in my own sorrows and thoughts

I sleep when my part of the world is up and I am awake when they are asleep

The worst part however is the feeling of despair and lack of purpose.

The new year brought me new thoughts and doubts

The idea that I will be a year older, I should be a year smarter

I am beginning to reconsider every decision I have made. Love, education, and every lifestyle.

I am happy to be alive, don't get me wrong. However, I can't process the rule of living a happy life.

I am tired of paying tons of bills, school loans. Tired of making a choice, loving the wrong or the right person.

Living is risky, life demands the smarts. Quick and straight to the point answers; if not the conclusion may be a huge set back in the path to success. And I yearn for success.

I am at that cross-road. The junction between who I am and the reason the Almighty put me here.

I am yet to figure out how the rest of my years will be narrated but I am learning this new thing about faith and I am willing to 'walk by faith and not by sight.'

Recently.. We chat on d phone.

2009-08-06T09:29:00.001-07:00

let me introduce u to my lovely by the name Krystal/ Nneka. known her for over 10yrs. Put up her pic because recently she's been an inspiration and a source of determination to me. She's one of my favorite people in the world. I love her!

I grew to adore ME..

2009-07-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

Is life about luck?

2009-03-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

I woke up in hell today.

I was hot and sad, never wanting to feel this way again.

I lost my best friend...

I gave up on my future...

I denied my feelings...

I let down my lover....

I am just a little girl, living in a horrible world; without the slightest understanding of the word LIFE.

Sometimes, I need a kiss, sometimes a hug but mostly just a prayer will do.

The things around me are always shaky, always confusing, always hot and cold

The life I long to live is within my reach but the journey there is taking forever.

Do I really ask for too much? Or is this one of those "God's time is the best" type thingy?

When do I know to stop believing that things will change? There's a difference between hope and deluded. I am living in between.

Just after one task is completed, right before I celebrate and give myself a pat on my back, I get another puzzle... harder than the previous, more confusing, with much more at stake.

I am living in Hell!

back home

2009-03-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

So.. its been forever since I wrote something down. Trust me, so much shiiiiiiit has gone on since then. I went to West Africa, U.K, and back. I had the best time of my life since the age of 17. These couple of weeks I spent in W.A were the greatest gift I got this year.

Everything's changed. Yea, my country Nigeria is a 3rd world country but shit is poppin over there. From the beaches, to the clubs to the hustling to the food... Pure fun! I cried when I realized I had to return.

The best thing tho' was seeing the face of the woman that birth me. The angel still looked the same, acted the same and I love her most for that. I broke down when I saw her. 'Migolo!' she screamed, and we ran into an embrace. The whole family was live. Everyone all grown... all I could say was 'OMYGOD, is this..... how tall are u... OMYGOD, look at.... how old are u.' I needed this getaway and I am so happy I spent it with the people that know me best. The food was popping, first time since I was 17yrs that I had all three meals served to me on a day to day basis. Three different meals, three just cooked hot and spicy meals. Ahhh.. I was in a dream.

But I am back, I am back to the real world with bills, gun shots and work। Its pretty depressing, I have acne all over as proof.

Me... Me..

2008-11-26T20:39:00.000-08:00

I was born brave but taught to be fearless. I was raised strong but grew independent. And even with that, I get nervous when I think of tomorrow. My escape is to day dream. Daydream of pent houses, Mediterranean mansions, beautiful children, smart decisions and a conscious lover. I have flaws no doubt, but I am what I am. From the acne on my chin, to my retarded looking pinky toe. The dimples on my back to the birth mark on my navel.. I know myself in and out. I love who I am and what I will become. The many years I know I have to set examples, I make plans for them now. Never think anything is impossible because every option can never be exhausted.
I am me, I do not trust, I pay attention to the smirks, the grins, the one raised eye brow, the unconscious statements made by gestures. I surround myself by just a fist full of people... happy, make the best of any situation kind of people. Today is just one of those days that I looked in the mirror and I'm happy I am here. Happy I'm free.

love..

2008-11-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

I am a self testimony, a perfect example, a case study of what love is about.

The overwhelming power it has to intensify an infatuation.

The stupidity it creates in an intelligent being.

The beauty it finds in the face of a not so pretty object.

The unconditional loyalty it requires to maintain its power.

Never checked out the meaning of Love,

Whether it be passion, affection, endearment, or predilection,

Love is without a doubt an unconscious introduction to our vulnerability.

To love with love, dream of love, love to love or simply just loving love is my addiction.

And you r my drug of choice.

mascara tears

2008-11-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

I cry, I cry to express the intensity of my anger, joy or pride. Today however I am sad. I am confused. Irritated. Dismantled inside. For no reason what so ever, my mind decided to reminisce on my"back in the days". My back in the days = past, which was awesome. Unfortunately, the people who created my past r not here, not right now. And today I remembered that. Today I thought about my yesterdays and the days before. Sometimes, I hate to remember, but my mind was on a roll.. I remembered playing with grandma and grandpa, spending weekends with Uncle Law, spending Aunty Amaras last days with her and being scared to go see Uncle Charles sick with cancer. How do I forget the wickedness that is death? The right it possesses to take away a piece of a beautiful puzzle for its own sake. And so I cried. Choking and trying to hold back tears kind of cry. Thinking... Home isn't Home without those who made it their home.

I looked in the mirror and my maybeline's running down my eyes, my eyes r red and my nose is running. My skin is pale and my knees r buckled. I miss them.. I loved them so much but who cared? Who cared that I'd be hurt, that an entire family would need reconstruction, build chains to hang on to each other. Death's a muthaFucka, with the power to depress and the ability to come and take whom ever they feel they need more. this shit sucks.

age=? dignity?

2008-11-24T00:27:00.000-08:00

My mind is basically empty of any type of content, no thoughts... NOthing. I have had a long day, and I know tomorrow will be longer. I have huge miserable tasks ahead of me thanks to my procrastination. Right now, I am clueless of what to think or do. My mind is blank.

Since I started working at my job, I met the weirdest, rudest and most morally incorrect people. They portray dumbness every new day. Fifty something year olds screaming, bullying, gossiping and bragging about their sexual skills. Its highly entertaining as well as pathetic. I have a favorite misery. She's a mother and grandmother. Old and sad. She displays her insecurities by bullying everyone. For a long time, I appeared to be a quiet and innocent looking little girl and she got away once or twice making rude comments to me. Until she accused me of some little bullshit. I spazzed, not coz I was mad at first. But coz I had to put her in her place before she took it further. She literally grabbed me by the neck of my scrub and that's when I got mad. I pushed her hand away hoping she didn't break an aching bone. I guess that ticked her off coz she cursed me out..i cursed her too, nothing intense just little words.. hag, old fool, slacked cunt, things like that. Yea, I disrespected my self respect. I asked for forgiveness. But since this incident, her and her bullying buddies either stay clear or try to provoke me. I lafff! I always laugh. It gets them mad, jealous of my happy mind I would say. I swing my hips when they r behind me, pop my gum, whatever to achieve their anger. Mid life crisis is one thing, but these ladies r a combination of missing virtues.

soul food

2008-10-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

Dear father,

How are you and where are you?

You remain a father in my heart but not a daddy in my life.

Your absence I have been able to deal with; At first I wondered why... Then I started to cry.

Not because I missed you, but because every one had a dad around me.

Missing birthdays, late Christmas card, Absent fathers days and so many more. Yet you never apologized.

I am supposed to love you, so I do.

But who are you? What are we? How am I your daughter and you my father when there is no bond.

Do you wish you were there for my graduation or for my first day in kindergarten?

Should I be scarred for having no father in my life or damaged for feeling neglected by you? Because I am not. I am happy and healthy. Living a good life and loving a good man.

I am content with your absence, no questions asked. No whys and what went wrong because I didn't cause it and I do not care.

Yea, mommy is fine. She is lovely and a success for making me a strong woman. None of my immoralities or shenanigans are blamed on you, you were never there so why blame you despite what Oprah or Dr Phil says, an absent parent is no excuse for failure.

When we do finally sit down, if we do. I will hold you and look in your eye to show you the tear drop I have held for years.

A Tear drop to show the pity I have for you for not giving yourself the privilege of teaching us about life and love, holding us when crossing the streets or even having children who look up to you as their hero. You took the responsibility of having us, but I guess you realized that being a good dad was too hot to handle. Regardless of all that, I love you to death.

A Woman's point of view.

2008-10-07T02:06:00.000-07:00

Ok....

So Y don't men know how to put down the toilet seat? I don't get it. It's not hard and it's way more presentable. Besides someone could fall into the toilet bowl when the seat is up. Isn't the seat made for a reason, To be sat on? Guys don't see that it is such a peeve. I try to explain how men and women are so different we should stick to our own kind. As ladies we got so much shit we gotta attend to and control. From eating right to wearing the right underwear just to avoid a little drama with the kitty. While men don't even pat their dicks after peeing. I mean com' on. We gotta go through the 5-7 days of cramping and tampons and still face 9 months of fatness and greed. What do men have to go through biologically? shit! I blame Eve, if her fat ass hadn't wanted that Effing apple I would have been running around butt naked with out a clue in mind what pain feels like. But of course that wouldn't be life.

On a brighter side women have the power of Eve, the power of seduction and persuasion.. the ability to reproduce another being which just proves strength and selflessness. All in all, I believe females r stronger than males. I'm not a chauvinist, but let honor be given to whom it is due.

Last Night, Kid Cudi's show @ Love

2008-09-25T16:35:00.000-07:00

Tats and piercings

2008-09-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

watching THE RACHEL ZOE PROJECT

I am considering getting a tattoo. I mean, those who know me are probably thinking "O Please! She's been saying that since I met her." But seriously, I am really getting into the whole dragon across my pelvic bone thing. Or maybe not! (lol) I think maybe I am going thru a crazy edgy gal phase. Idk... recently I've just been feeling like having a drunken night, going to a karaoke bar, getting on a stripper pole. its weird!

I always pass by a tattoo parlor on my way home, and they do amazing art. I fear needles, which I am glad about bcoz by now I might have had more than a couple tats and piercings. I have a lot of ideas... pure art, no names and dates of birth, nothing cliche. And then I am also thinking a lip piercing. Its like, i am so not a lip piercing kinda gal. Lil Wayne must have gotten to me. O well.. I think I just need to get really irate and irrational, maybe tipsy ( i must sound like a drunk, I swear I'm not) and then just head on to West 4th and get the zzzzzzzzzzzz effect into my skin. hmmm.. I should surprise everyone. And then after I get over that hype, I'll get the Nintendo Wii and then murder y'all suckas in Guitar Hero(I'm late... yea yea yea). I got my shit planned out fa realz.

Love stoned

2008-09-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with a feeling of freedom. I wanted to scream and jump. I was alone on my bed, but still did not feel lonely.

I had a rush of emotions and a tear ran down my eye, it escaped coz I had been holding it in for too long. This wierd feeling is makin me ecstatic and scared all at once. I took a long shower, had bacon and eggs, and was full of energy I decided to reminsce and day dream, two things that keep me intouch with my fantasy. I overdosed on my thinking and I felt great; relaxed; care free; this was not a first but it certainly was my best. Everything looked beautiful and smelled fresh, if this was real life, I definitely was in love with it... I was on cloud 9, I couldnt think straight but was thinking clear... My thoughts were never followed, i always forgot my next idea but I loved this feeling. My energy disappeared and there was an overwhelmness of lethargy.

The day before must have been great if it got me feeling this way. I was inlove with my surrounding and intouch with my feelings, this could be an addicting phase as I felt it coming to an end. I hadnt drank any alcohol or consumed any drugs, I had just remembered everything that made me who I am and kept me that way. Love got me higher than ever without smokes or a lighter needed....