Everyones moving on but us.

I must talk and scream about my besties. Sweet and hard core. Funny and mischievous. We all have these traits in us. All 4 of us.  Its been us since forever.  From our years of innocence to our fuck the world days. We have always stuck to one another. 

 So this is where things get complicated....Its 4 girls. 2 of them are married, 1 has 2 very cute little girls, the other is pregnant with a girl.  The at leaves 2 single girls. Things have clearly changed. First, you can't call at all times of the day or night. You can't take impromptu trips because once you are married 2 become 1. yuck! And as much as I hated to admit in the past, married people do things that single people disagree with because they want peace in their household. Hence, married people hardly ask single people for advice.

  So its my baby girl and I left in the equation. It feels  scary because  whether we want to admit it or not, something is very obvious. The other day baby girl asked me what she would do when I got married, she would be alone and I had nothing to say but to promise to always be her travel partner.

  Ofcourse we have all remained in love with each other but now they have many more priorities that we can not even compete with.  Is marriage really worth it? I mean, yea you marry your soul mate or the man of your dreams (hopefully) but then what if it turns out that he is just a jerk and not the man of your dreams? Ok! God forbid. But is getting married worth the change in our lifestyle? I watch kids running around and their mothers dragging their feet begging them to stop screaming, stop running, don't touch this, stop crying, put your leg down, blah blah.  It has never seemed fun to me. It has never seemed like something I would want to give up my illegal acts, risky behavior or wild alter ego for.  I love peace and it never looks peaceful.

I am looking for someone to explain to me why getting married and starting a family is the next step to take. Why is it even a step? Why isn't it just something as insignificant as deciding to wear acrylic nails or not. No one  reminding you that your mates are getting married or that you are a woman and age is not on your side or asking when you would introduce 'him' to the family.  Or saying you would be old and lonely. Why do we get non verbal clues on the next steps to make by the changes we notice in our mates or friends?

 I can see how people just keep boyfriends forever. But mom would have a heart attack if this was ever a discussion. "After all, God gave Eve to Adam. Go figure. " would probably be her response.

Eshoes.. #issues

I have admitted to my self that I do not know who I am. All these years, I fell in love with myself and accepted I was a boring loner who sometimes gets randomly over- excited and acts crazy. A self conscious but not time conscious kind of person. Some people like me, and others don't but I never cared why. I have no talent in music or arts but I love to write every once in a while. I never thought for once - Why Did God Make Me? What's My Reason On Earth?
Now I am thinking and I am losing my mind.
I do the same thing everyday and there's an occassional change every now and again. But nothing fulfilling. Nothing to be told a story about. Nothing that captivates my soul. My days are a classic BLAH!
I find pleasure in working as a nurse because we are under paid and hardly listened to especially when the doc is around. But I love the help and care I provide. Despite that fact, I need to find my knack. My passion.
I want to know why I feel my soul is special but disguised. Why my actions are confusing but my ideas conspicuous. I want to be heard but I'm afraid to speak. I want to be seen but I'm too shy to walk.
I have issues!

The year to make it or break it.

For about 2 weeks, I have been feeling invincible

Like I have been high and can't process what naturally goes on in the world

Last I was reconnected with earth, Haiti had an earthquake and a terrorist was caught.

But since then, I have been drowned in my own sorrows and thoughts

I sleep when my part of the world is up and I am awake when they are asleep

The worst part however is the feeling of despair and lack of purpose.

The new year brought me new thoughts and doubts

The idea that I will be a year older, I should be a year smarter

I am beginning to reconsider every decision I have made. Love, education, and every lifestyle.

I am happy to be alive, don't get me wrong. However, I can't process the rule of living a happy life.

I am tired of paying tons of bills, school loans. Tired of making a choice, loving the wrong or the right person.

Living is risky, life demands the smarts. Quick and straight to the point answers; if not the conclusion may be a huge set back in the path to success. And I yearn for success.

I am at that cross-road. The junction between who I am and the reason the Almighty put me here.

I am yet to figure out how the rest of my years will be narrated but I am learning this new thing about faith and I am willing to 'walk by faith and not by sight.'

Do i need a partner to make me happy

I find myself hiding in darkness under the comfort of my blanket, curtains down, lights off. Just me and the tranquility I have created. But still my head keeps pounding, my mind keeps speaking, my soul is still troubled.

Sometimes, I enjoy loneliness, I call it ME time. But who am I kidding? The yearnings of my heart are driving me crazy. The image my mirror shoots back at me is saddening. Is this some sort of self esteem situation. Since when has being alone been a problem ?

I have always loved to spend time with myself, coloring and dancing in front of the mirror. Over the years, I have loved it enough to make it a ritual. But now I am needing more. Seeking more.

Maybe its the age thing. As you get older your needs change right? Wrong!... Well sort of. Or maybe because there is a new bride every other day.

But I was fine just a week ago.

I never look past my tomorrows when it comes to a boyfriend. If years come and we are still great, then lovely. But I have never seen the picture of my soul mate in my future. Mommy says, when you meet "the one" you will know he is the one. Well He is always 'the one' in the beginning, during the 4hr phone conversations, texts and BBMs, laughing at each others stupid jokes, basically showing only the side of you that you want to be seen. Then 1 year passes by and ' the one' becomes 'hmm..'.

However, is it so wrong to just want my bf? This world is so lonely. How do people do it?

Question.. Are you single by choice?

I am sorry!!
I've said it time and time again. I never imagined the pain i would bring you if I left you. The future we planned together escaped through our hands held together. We prayed to make it last but did not try hard to make it strong. Our bond broken, our hearts crying, our minds completely disengaged from within. I am sorry I took away your love. Took away every passion we shared, every dream we hoped.
The tears are coming down, no doubt. The confusion set in years before the damage was done. The fear is indescribable - Who would love me like you did? How long will it take me to find another real love? What the F**ck did I do?
I am sorry, I will always be. But now I must sleep on the bed that I made. I must learn to deal with the circumstances I have created. We must move on not looking back, no regrets just lessons learned. I will not blame you or point fingers either way. I only promise that I will always keep you in my heart. xoxo

Is life about luck?

I woke up in hell today. 

I was hot and sad, never wanting to feel this way again.

I lost my best friend...

I gave up on my future...

I denied my feelings...

I let down my lover....

I am just a little girl, living in a horrible world; without the slightest understanding of the word LIFE.

Sometimes, I need a kiss, sometimes a hug but mostly just a prayer will do.

The things around me are always shaky, always confusing, always hot and cold

The life I long to live is within my reach but the journey there is taking forever.

Do I really ask for too much? Or is this one of those "God's time is the best" type thingy?

When do I know to stop believing that things will change? There's a difference between hope and deluded. I am living in between.

Just after one task is completed, right before I celebrate and give myself a pat on my back, I get another puzzle... harder than the previous, more confusing, with much more at stake.

I am living in Hell! 

back home

So.. its been forever since I wrote something down. Trust me, so much shiiiiiiit has gone on since then. I went to West Africa, U.K, and back. I had the best time of my life since the age of 17. These couple of weeks I spent in W.A were the greatest gift I got this year.

Everything's changed. Yea, my country Nigeria is a 3rd world country but shit is poppin over there. From the beaches, to the clubs to the hustling to the food... Pure fun! I cried when I realized I had to return.

The best thing tho' was seeing the face of the woman that birth me. The angel still looked the same, acted the same and I love her most for that. I broke down when I saw her. 'Migolo!' she screamed, and we ran into an embrace. The whole family was live. Everyone all grown... all I could say was 'OMYGOD, is this..... how tall are u... OMYGOD, look at.... how old are u.' I needed this getaway and I am so happy I spent it with the people that know me best. The food was popping, first time since I was 17yrs that I had all three meals served to me on a day to day basis. Three different meals, three just cooked hot and spicy meals. Ahhh.. I was in a dream.

But I am back, I am back to the real world with bills, gun shots and work। Its pretty depressing, I have acne all over as proof.

Me... Me..

I was born brave but taught to be fearless. I was raised strong but grew independent. And even with that, I get nervous when I think of tomorrow. My escape is to day dream. Daydream of pent houses, Mediterranean mansions, beautiful children, smart decisions and a conscious lover. I have flaws no doubt, but I am what I am. From the acne on my chin, to my retarded looking pinky toe. The dimples on my back to the birth mark on my navel.. I know myself in and out. I love who I am and what I will become. The many years I know I have to set examples, I make plans for them now. Never think anything is impossible because every option can never be exhausted.
I am me, I do not trust, I pay attention to the smirks, the grins, the one raised eye brow, the unconscious statements made by gestures. I surround myself by just a fist full of people... happy, make the best of any situation kind of people. Today is just one of those days that I looked in the mirror and I'm happy I am here. Happy I'm free.

love..

I am a self testimony, a perfect example, a case study of what love is about.

The overwhelming power it has to intensify an infatuation.

The stupidity it creates in an intelligent being.

The beauty it finds in the face of a not so pretty object.

The unconditional loyalty it requires to maintain its power.

Never checked out the meaning of Love,

Whether it be passion, affection, endearment, or predilection,

Love is without a doubt an unconscious introduction to our vulnerability.

To love with love, dream of love, love to love or simply just loving love is my addiction.

And you r my drug of choice.

mascara tears

I cry, I cry to express the intensity of my anger, joy or pride. Today however I am sad. I am confused. Irritated. Dismantled inside. For no reason what so ever, my mind decided to reminisce on my"back in the days". My back in the days = past, which was awesome.  Unfortunately, the people who created my past r not here, not right now. And today I remembered that. Today I thought about my yesterdays and the days before. Sometimes, I hate to remember, but my mind was on a roll.. I remembered playing with grandma and grandpa, spending weekends with Uncle Law, spending Aunty Amaras last days with her and being scared to go see Uncle Charles sick with cancer.  How do I forget the wickedness that is death? The right it possesses to take away a piece of a beautiful puzzle for its own sake. And so I cried. Choking and trying to hold back tears kind of cry. Thinking... Home isn't Home without those who made it their home. 

I looked in the mirror and my maybeline's running down my eyes, my eyes r red and my nose is running. My skin is pale and my knees r buckled.  I miss them.. I loved them so much but who cared? Who cared that I'd be hurt, that an entire family would need reconstruction, build chains to hang on to each other. Death's a muthaFucka, with the power to depress and the ability to come and take whom ever they feel they need more. this shit sucks.