Me... Me..

I was born brave but taught to be fearless. I was raised strong but grew independent. And even with that, I get nervous when I think of tomorrow. My escape is to day dream. Daydream of pent houses, Mediterranean mansions, beautiful children, smart decisions and a conscious lover. I have flaws no doubt, but I am what I am. From the acne on my chin, to my retarded looking pinky toe. The dimples on my back to the birth mark on my navel.. I know myself in and out. I love who I am and what I will become. The many years I know I have to set examples, I make plans for them now. Never think anything is impossible because every option can never be exhausted.
I am me, I do not trust, I pay attention to the smirks, the grins, the one raised eye brow, the unconscious statements made by gestures. I surround myself by just a fist full of people... happy, make the best of any situation kind of people. Today is just one of those days that I looked in the mirror and I'm happy I am here. Happy I'm free.

love..

I am a self testimony, a perfect example, a case study of what love is about.

The overwhelming power it has to intensify an infatuation.

The stupidity it creates in an intelligent being.

The beauty it finds in the face of a not so pretty object.

The unconditional loyalty it requires to maintain its power.

Never checked out the meaning of Love,

Whether it be passion, affection, endearment, or predilection,

Love is without a doubt an unconscious introduction to our vulnerability.

To love with love, dream of love, love to love or simply just loving love is my addiction.

And you r my drug of choice.

mascara tears

I cry, I cry to express the intensity of my anger, joy or pride. Today however I am sad. I am confused. Irritated. Dismantled inside. For no reason what so ever, my mind decided to reminisce on my"back in the days". My back in the days = past, which was awesome.  Unfortunately, the people who created my past r not here, not right now. And today I remembered that. Today I thought about my yesterdays and the days before. Sometimes, I hate to remember, but my mind was on a roll.. I remembered playing with grandma and grandpa, spending weekends with Uncle Law, spending Aunty Amaras last days with her and being scared to go see Uncle Charles sick with cancer.  How do I forget the wickedness that is death? The right it possesses to take away a piece of a beautiful puzzle for its own sake. And so I cried. Choking and trying to hold back tears kind of cry. Thinking... Home isn't Home without those who made it their home. 

I looked in the mirror and my maybeline's running down my eyes, my eyes r red and my nose is running. My skin is pale and my knees r buckled.  I miss them.. I loved them so much but who cared? Who cared that I'd be hurt, that an entire family would need reconstruction, build chains to hang on to each other. Death's a muthaFucka, with the power to depress and the ability to come and take whom ever they feel they need more. this shit sucks.

age=? dignity?

My mind is basically empty of any type of content, no thoughts... NOthing.  I have had a long day,  and I know tomorrow will be longer.  I have huge miserable tasks ahead of me thanks to my procrastination.  Right now, I am clueless of what to think or do. My mind is blank. 

Since I started working at my job, I met the weirdest, rudest and most morally incorrect people.  They portray dumbness every new day.  Fifty something year olds screaming, bullying, gossiping and bragging about their sexual skills. Its highly entertaining as well as pathetic.  I have a favorite misery. She's a mother and grandmother.  Old and sad. She displays her insecurities by bullying everyone. For a long time, I appeared to be a quiet and innocent looking little girl and she got away once or twice making rude comments to me.  Until she accused me of some little bullshit. I spazzed, not coz I was mad at first. But coz I had to put her in her place before she took it further.  She literally grabbed me by the neck of my scrub and that's when I got mad. I pushed her hand away hoping she didn't break an aching bone.  I guess that ticked her off coz she cursed me out..i cursed her too, nothing intense just little words.. hag, old fool, slacked cunt, things like that. Yea, I disrespected my self respect. I asked for forgiveness. But since this incident, her and her bullying buddies either stay clear or try to provoke me. I lafff!  I always laugh. It gets them mad, jealous of my happy mind I would say. I swing my hips when they r behind me, pop my gum, whatever to achieve their anger.  Mid life crisis is one thing, but these ladies r a combination of missing virtues.

soul food

 Dear father,

 How are you and where are you?

 You remain a father in my heart but not a daddy in my life.  

Your absence I have been able to deal with;  At first I wondered why... Then I started to cry. 

Not because I missed you, but because every one had a dad around me.

 Missing birthdays, late Christmas card, Absent fathers days  and so many more. Yet you never apologized.  

I am supposed to love you, so I do. 

But who are you? What are we? How am I your daughter and you my father when there is no bond.

 Do you wish you were there for my graduation or for my first day in kindergarten? 

Should I be scarred for having no father in my life or damaged for feeling neglected by you? Because I am not. I am happy and healthy. Living a good life and loving a good man. 

I am content with your absence, no questions asked. No whys and what went wrong because I didn't cause it and I do not care. 

Yea, mommy is fine. She is lovely and a success for making me a strong woman. None of my immoralities or shenanigans are blamed on you, you were never there so why blame you despite what Oprah or Dr Phil says, an absent parent is no excuse for failure. 

 When we do finally sit down, if we do. I will hold you and look in your eye to show you the tear drop I have held for years.

A Tear drop to show the pity I have for you for not giving yourself the privilege of teaching us about life and love, holding us when crossing the streets or even having children who look up to you as their hero. You took the responsibility of having us, but I guess you realized that being a good dad was too hot to handle. Regardless of all that, I love you to death.

 

A Woman's point of view.

 Ok....

So Y don't men know how to put down the toilet seat?  I don't get it.  It's not hard and it's way  more presentable. Besides someone could fall into the toilet bowl when the seat is up. Isn't the seat made for a reason, To be sat on?  Guys don't see that it is such a peeve. I try to explain how men and women are so different we should stick to our own kind.   As ladies we got so much shit we gotta attend to and control. From eating right to wearing the right underwear just to avoid a little drama with the kitty. While men  don't even pat their dicks after peeing. I mean com' on.  We gotta go through the 5-7 days of cramping and tampons and still face 9 months of fatness and greed. What do men  have to go through biologically? shit!  I blame Eve, if her fat ass hadn't wanted that Effing apple I would have been running around butt naked with out a clue in mind what pain feels like.  But of course that wouldn't be life. 

 On a brighter side women have the power of Eve,  the power of seduction and persuasion.. the ability to reproduce another being which just proves strength and selflessness. All in all, I believe females r stronger than males. I'm not a chauvinist, but let honor be given to whom it is due.

 

Love stoned

I woke up this morning with a feeling of freedom. I wanted to scream and jump.  I was alone on my bed, but still did not feel lonely.  

I had a rush of emotions and a tear ran down my eye, it escaped coz I had been holding it in for too long.  This wierd feeling is makin me ecstatic and scared all at once.  I took a long shower, had bacon and eggs, and was full of energy I decided to reminsce and day dream, two things that keep me intouch with my fantasy. I overdosed on my thinking and I felt great; relaxed; care free; this was not a first but it certainly was my best. Everything looked beautiful and smelled fresh, if this was real life, I definitely was in love with it... I was on cloud 9, I couldnt think straight but was thinking clear... My thoughts were never followed, i always forgot my next idea but I loved this feeling. My energy disappeared and there was an overwhelmness of lethargy.  

The day before must have been great if it got me feeling this way.  I was inlove with my surrounding and  intouch with my feelings, this could be an addicting phase as I felt it coming to an end. I hadnt drank any alcohol or consumed any drugs, I had just remembered everything that made me who I am and kept me that way. Love got me higher than ever without smokes or a lighter needed....